Tony Robbins shared a quote on his facebook page today:
“You don’t marry someone you can live with – you marry the person who you cannot live without.” Anonymous.
And then he added “I’m grateful I found my Wife Sage!”
As a person who believes in the power of words and consciously creating reality, I was taken aback. A bit stunned, actually.
Yes, I fully get the being grateful part.
But this part here, this one where it says “marry the person you cannot live without”?
WOW. Really?
There are about 50 “likes” and a bunch of comments, almost all of them saying “this is so true”!
Seriously!? Did anyone actually stop and think about the words for a second?
(btw, this quote is anonymous and the post is NOT about Tony Robbins, it’s about looking closely at the language we use)
So I posted:
Eh .. not true. I LOVE the sentiment behind it but the fact is, you CAN live without that person – you just choose not to live without them. Which is what makes it so beautiful 🙂
Then someone said:
When you love someone so much that a single moment without them in your life is not an option then i guess it is not a matter of choice.…..it is about your survival as they are the air that you breathe (edited out)……you feel complete in the circle of life gifted by the Higher Being!
So I said:
Saying that you can’t survive without someone’s love… that’s the only part of what you said that I question. Cos there is always a choice. So I see this as a choice, to think and believe what we do individually. The rest? Simply beautiful, magical, amazing – you are blessed indeed to have such love!
And they said:
Out of experience , i can state that the whole world seems to halt without that one person, may be true love tends to have such an impact!!!!! (edited out) …i know what Tony means and the way he feels about Sage !
Which is when I decided to not say anything anymore.
Cos clearly this could go forever. I’m not negating the depth of anyone’s feelings, heck I’ve BEEN there, felt like that, esp in my teens and 20’s. Ok, even as recently as a couple of years ago.
And while it may seem that the world will come to a stop without this person, I can genuinely, with all the mended pieces of my broken and healed heart, say, not true.
Not true, not true, not true!
I am living proof! As are you, I’m sure. And all of us.
To say your survival depends on the presence of someone in your life, sounds less like love and more like need to me. We each CHOOSE what we believe.
Love by its very nature, nourishes, cherishes, gives life. You can ‘have’ love even without that special partner to spend the rest of your life with AND you can have it with them.
NB: (Unless you’re a baby – then you are 100% co-dependent and will not survive without a food provider – but you WILL survive without love. Maybe miserably and unhappily, but you will).
Till the day comes when you realise you ARE love.
Then, you’ll go beyond surviving, to thriving. Cliches notwithstanding.
Having experienced extremely co-dependent relationships where I really, truly felt like I couldn’t live without someone, I am now very conscious of the words I use.
Maybe that’s why I was goaded into writing this post (along with the fact it was Tony who passed it on.. being a master of words & NeuroLinguistic Programming, wonder if he thought about it at all?)
What do YOU think? Am I over analyzing or would you have felt the same way? Why would someone choose to believe they don’t have a choice? I’ve got an idea but would love to hear YOUR insights, thanks for sharing!
ps: parts of the other person’s comments have been edited out for privacy reasons..
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I’m surprised at Tony Robbins.
I have a friend who recently lost her husband at 53, and they were so very close
and if she adopts that attitude, how will she survive?
She has had to see herself as enough, with the thoughts of how fortunate she
was to have had a lovely relationship for such a long time.
But to feel she could not live without this person would be tragic.
Sometimes I do feel that it is this “idea” of love that causes some
to have such a difficult time getting on with their lives.
There is this expectation of mourning and paying tribute with
our grieving that living joyfully is almost not an acceptable option.
After all our passed on loved ones want us to be in joy, they are!
Hey Sue, thanks for being the first to pop by, pleasure to hear from you!
I do have to say, it wasn’t Tony’s quote, just something he passed along (have heard it many times before but this time it took me by surprise as I really let the words sink in).
This post is more about the reaction of people to it cos it made me stop and wonder how easily we absorb words and their meanings without realising.
I know the general feeling conveyed by this quote is to show the extent of one’s love and wasn’t meant to be taken literally, which is why I commented on it. It was only when I got into a discussion with this other person that I realised they really WERE being literal about it! I tried to clarify what they meant thinking they were being figurative and oh heavens, they were not!
You make a great point about “this “idea” of love that causes some
to have such a difficult time getting on with their lives” indeed, unhealthy fairytale expectations are responsible for some of the messes we get into.
Although I think Gen Y is getting “smarter” about love than the Xers and baby boomers were! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I feel I must speak. I’ve been seeing a lot of people talking about words lately, and I really just have to say, words do not have just one meaning! Nor do phrases for that matter. Just because these words “can’t live without” have one broadly agreed-upon meaning, doesn’t mean that they don’t maybe put a *completely* different picture in Mr. Robbins’ head. Maybe the literal meaning doesn’t cross his mind. Maybe he says the words and thinks of something beautiful. Maybe by that quote he is actually referring to (and it sounds like this to me) the “surviving vs. thriving” idea. You know, “you don’t marry someone you can live with” = “you don’t marry someone who you can get along with without too much tearing each others heads apart”. And “you marry someone you can’t live without” = “you marry someone you are madly in love with and you both live life to the fullest”. That’s what I’m hearing. I understand very, very well how it’s like to say a phrase that you think the meaning is obvious and then everyone takes it text-literally instead of seeing the imagery, so I could be just putting words in his mouth, thoughts in his head. But figured I’d take my stand on my unique viewpoint just because I hardly ever see this side of the view discussed.
Cheers 🙂
Hey Fen! Welcome!
Thanks for making this point mate. I FULLY agree with you – words have more than one meaning and we each have a different interpretation of it. Like you, I have a feeling Tony liked it and just posted it without thinking much at all – his point of view def sounds like he just wanted to appreciate his wife.
It was how others blindly agreed and followed along that made me sit up and get curious about how many times we hear something and nod along without thinking about it – which in turn could explain some underlying beliefs (limiting or not) that we have.
Beliefs come from what we hear, experience and absorb on many levels, conscious and sub/unconscious, so it makes sense then to be aware of what we’re taking in as much as we can.
What if he said “life wasn’t worth living without xy person”, how would people react then I wonder? He may well mean life is great with this person but so many people actually take a different meaning from it.
In this case I got drawn into a ‘conversation’ with this person and realised they were being quite literal about it while I was pointing out that this quote should be taken figuratively, by being literal about it.
Ok now I’m being confusing, LoL.
I want people to be more aware of the words they use, the choices they make. And to know they have a choice (which this person insisted they didn’t) That’s all my point is, really. Thanks again for stirring the pot, I love the bubbles of discussion that follow xo
Great post, Tia! Right on, sis! 🙂 I totally agree. This is what I call the romance myth. Don’t get me wrong: I LOVE romance! But the romance myth is perpetuated by movies, for example, in statements like “You complete me” as was the line in Jerry McGuire. While it tugs on our sentimental emotions, when you really think about it, we don’t need another person to “complete us,” do we? What happens when they’re no longer around (e.g. they leave or transition)? Are we not complete? I don’t buy into that way of thinking, although I probably did some time ago.
And those who believe that are making a choice to do so, just as I choose to think differently. We always have a choice and I choose to be happy. And when I’m happy, I experience great relationships (not just of the romantic kind). I am “completely me” when I am true to myself and don’t rely on the behaviors of others for my happiness. When I start to make the behavior of others my reason to be happy, there’s always trouble ahead–because no one is responsible for my happiness but me.
🙂 I’m one of those incurable romantics Barb. All those romance novels, movies and stories of undying love. Till recently when people said love isn’t permanent and “till death do us part” is fiction, I used to be upset and dream of a love that would never end, like in the Notebook! What I know now is that love like that is possible but not without ups and downs, sadness and happiness, all human emotions and experiences are a part of life and love.
And yeah I’m with you too sister, at 20 something I thought “You complete me” was the most romantic thing ever. At 30 something, ‘
You Add to me”“you complement me” works better!“”when I’m happy, I experience great relationships (not just of the romantic kind). I am “completely me” when I am true to myself and don’t rely on the behaviors of others for my happiness.””
I think you pretty much said it all there 🙂 Self love, Self happiness!
Fen I love what u wrote. It’s brilliant!!!!! really, really, I mean really brilliant. And Tia before I read fen’s post I understand what Tony said as you did and didn’t like it either. Words are tricky! lol
Sonia, I agree with Fen too! And it wasn’t Tony I was railing against, it was how sometimes we can have a blinkers on mentality when it comes to following / agreeing without thinking.
Although having said that, I’m gonna add: for someone who has made a career out of language, it’s surprising HE wasn’t the one to write this post (about the quote)
Had I seen this quote on Tony Robbins wall, I’d have thought the same thing. …for myself. I’m with Fen in that I’m thinking Tony just loves Sage so very much that for him to say those words he’s speaking to his commitment and deep abiding love for Sage and their life together.
However, the part of me that is ALL about words and the vibration they carry would have gone down the same road as you, Tia.
It does surprise me that Tony would choose these words…??
You know well Mark’s and my relationship. I’ve written of the incredible nature of us. And, I actually think of this often…that the depth of appreciation I feel for what we have is nearly impossible to put into words…and it’s pretty much immeasurable…it’s just to infinity and beyond!
I would never say, I can’t live without him. Of course I *can*…it’s just not at all my choice. And I like the line that Barbara referenced from Jerry McQuire, too…”you complete me”. I’ve always thought how funny that was…because certainly I know that I am whole, complete, etc. on my own. So Mark and I say, you compliment me so richly. Which means that all that I am, and all that he is, is even more juicy delicious when coupled with each other. It’s not that we complete each other…but that we are so very complimentary that the essence of that which we are together is a remarkably high vibed match of incredibleness…and it’s so FUN to live that match that we’ll continue to CHOOSE to say YES to our togetherness.
I like it like that.
I like knowing that I love myself more than anything/anyone else…which makes me so ready, available, etc. to love and be loved.
We’re not built to be alone. …that doesn’t mean we can’t be alone. We can survive as you said without love. AND…it sure is a LOT more JOYful experience WITH it. We are wired to be together, in harmony, with others.
Just LOVE. That’s the key. Yourself. And others. And allow for the complimentary nature of the perfect match to amp surviving up to thriving in a magnificent, brilliant way. 🙂
XOXOXO There is SO much LOVE for us here!!!
“”I’m with Fen in that I’m thinking Tony just loves Sage so very much that for him to say those words he’s speaking to his commitment and deep abiding love for Sage and their life together.””
Ok, what’s going on? How come I wasn’t clear in my post that I agree with this? Maybe I should have said more than “Yes, I fully get the being grateful part.” cos that’s what I meant – same as you, Fen and Sonia.
I guess I was in a hurry to get to the point I was making? LOL. To clear the air, I’m with all of you in this! This really wasn’t about Tony’s love for Sage at all, not at all ….
“However, the part of me that is ALL about words and the vibration they carry would have gone down the same road as you”
Ay thank you! THAT was my point – our words, our thoughts, the BELIEFS that result from or because of them.
“It does surprise me that Tony would choose these words…??”
And that was my only surprise about HIM – the rest was about all the other reactions to the quote.
(feels heard)
“”I would never say, I can’t live without him. Of course I *can*…it’s just not at all my choice.“”
Ok exactly, this is exactly what my point was 🙂 Debs maybe I should have asked you to write this post, hahhaha!
“”you compliment me so richly“””
EVEN better than my previously stated “you add to me” which er… now sounds rather naughty to me (not that there’s anything wrong with naughty! LOL! LOL!)
Thank you gorgeous for talking about your love and sharing it so beautifully. You’re a true inspiration my darling! MWah
Yay, Tia! Great post! I think that as coaches, we tend to be very aware of the words we use, especially when those words have anything to do with CHOICE! We stand for being in choice about our lives and not falling victim to our circumstances.
For this reason, I am very surprised that Tony Robbins posted this quote. If, for example, the woman’s friend (above) who recently lost her husband, chose to take on this perspective about her husband’s death, then she would be unable to continue living.
There may be alternate interpretations of this quote, but when taken literally, this quote is not in anyone’s highest good. Anyone who is familiar with the power of affirmations, understands the importance of using the word’s literal meaning to bring forth the changes we want to create in our lives. If there is an alternate meaning behind this quote, perhaps the quote should be changed to reflect what it actually means.
Jessie, yes! It’s the curse of the conscious creation coach “as coaches, we tend to be very aware of the words we use, especially when those words have anything to do with CHOICE!”
I can’t even watch certain TV shows / listen to some songs without cringing now, cos of the unempowering words used! Case in example: used to love Grays Anatomy and now I just can’t bear to watch the whining and whinginess that goes on on it. I’ll still watch DH for the sheer entertainment though!
You’re so right about the power of our words. Even if we don’t take something literally, so much junk goes into our minds when we mindlessly (instead of mindfully) speak, share or act. Mindfulness is under-rated ay.
I appreciate your comment, thanks so much for sharing and getting what I meant. Cheers!
Very interesting…Years ago, a friend of my husband’s told him that his philosophy was that we should be able to live with anyone & have a full relationship. While I wouldn’t go that far, this whole idea does give me pause.
To be fair, some people are just connected in a deep way, likely through many lifetimes – we often call them soulmates – & keep coming together in various configuations.
I feel that way about my partner in many ways. But, no matter, one still has to put an effort into a ‘marriage’ or whatever label you chose to put on it. It’s the daily connection, communication, & mostly the RESPECT that does it I believe.
Ellen Besso
MidLife Coach & Author
http://www.ellenbesso.com/midlifemaze
Ellen you have a point – I call them Imago matches (from Harville Hendrix’s books). We have soul connections with some people that carry into our lives and that’s why we can meet someone and instantly “know” them and know some for 10 years and never feel that way.
“It’s the daily connection, communication, & mostly the RESPECT that does it I believe.” Damn right! Thanks for sharing!
I’m with Tia on this one! Even though I am a head-over-heels, incurable, cries-EVERY-time-she-sees-The Notebook romantic freak, I think phrases like that, when they aren’t clarified, can breed need. The romantic that I am also LOVES freedom in a relationship. I love a guy that just fawns over me and loves me because I am that irresistibly amazing. I’ve had “you complete me” guys and friends, and they soon sent me running. Why? Because COMPLETING someone or being what someone NEEDS or being the ABSOLUTE HIGHLIGHT of their life is a lot of responsibility; and I don’t want it.
I’m basically like a cat. I love when my boyfriend is around, I love pouring love and affection on him. When he leaves, however, I don’t go jump off the roof. I simply turn and pour my affections on another part of my life (usually myself lol).
SO…long story short…or, er long in this case…”can’t live without” probably just indicates the amazing feeling of alignment and joy and love the person makes you feel. But we have more independence than that. I’m all for the romance, and I’m always my favorite lover 🙂
“”COMPLETING someone or being what someone NEEDS or being the ABSOLUTE HIGHLIGHT of their life is a lot of responsibility; and I don’t want it.”” That’s why the more someone asks to be loved / shows neediness over and over again, the less we want to love them.
It’s sad in a way cos so many people don’t realise the way to get love is GIVE love – so you can feel the pleasure of giving, what it feels like to love. Then we don’t even need it but love it when given.
I see this trend start early, in children who want attention when another child is getting it – there’s got to be a way to reassure them and teach them to be confident early on?
“” I’m all for the romance, and I’m always my favorite lover “”” I LOVE this!! Way to love yourself first, gf! It’s a pleasure to have you around 🙂
Hi Tia!
I agree with both sides actually!
It’s so funny because when I first saw Tony’s quote I thought, “Hey, that is so right!” (feeling the essence of it instead of the words, as Fen did) … When you gave your response, Tia, my ears pricked up to what I hadn’t noticed at first. I thought, “Well actually … I don’t really believe in ‘I can’t live without (fill in the blanks)’ ” … It just doesn’t make sense. Sorta disempowering.
It’s a super-interesting conversation, right? I’m always so careful with my words … rephrasing the “I don’t want”s to “What DO I want?” (I want to lose weigh = I want to be slim … don’t want clutter = want clear spaces)
I was on the phone with Jeanna Gabellini this week and she noticed me constantly self-correcting … She said, “Stop that!” LOL “I NEVER watch what I say. Neither does Eva.” sharing that it’s not about the words, it’s about what you *feel* when you say the words.
Is what you said sending you upstream or downstream? If downstream, the words don’t matter. (Credit for these concepts goes to Jeanna … and Abraham I’m sure 😉 )
The whole rest of our conversation was this fascinating carnival ride of Col-attempting-not-to-self-correct and Col’s-little-inner-voice silently jumping in to correct. It was such an interesting exercise … what a ride!
I’m with *every*one here … just popping some thoughts into the mix!
Hugs,
Col
I feel the essence too Col, so I agree with me and you and everyone 🙂 Isn’t it great that we can have so many interpretations depending on what we choose to focus on?
Oh dear this means I was focusing on the feeling of emptiness talked about rather than the feeling of love! Heck it made for a great debate on the power of words, consciousness and where we put our focus.
I had to LOL @ self correcting constantly, I tend to do that too (unless I’m in a GAH I’ll do what I want mood then it’s all rules, even mine, out the window!)
Oooooooooh I LOVE that Jeanne said “it’s not about the words, it’s about what you *feel* when you say the words.” Another check for vibration being stronger than words! Glad you got off the ride to join us here for a bit, giddy up Colestar!
“You’re so right about the power of our words. Even if we don’t take something literally, so much junk goes into our minds when we mindlessly (instead of mindfully) speak, share or act. Mindfulness is under-rated ay.”
Perfectly said, Tia!!! I understand the essence of what Tony quoted, but the feel of the words when I read them immediately made me cringe inside. The freedom seeking being in us definitely doesn’t want to have anyone put that kind of responsibility on us. If someone said to me, “I can’t live without you” . . . poof, I’d be gone. I’m not responsible for anyone else’s happiness.
Wonderful post, Tia! 🙂
That’s what I’m taking away from this, Carol. Mind-fullness.
We all had such different 1st responses to the quote, I’m wondering if if has to do with our experiences and as a result we’ve chosen to strongly believe some things? I’m sure it does!
What I’m also getting is that some of us paid more attention to the words, and some to the vibe we felt reading them. No right or wrong, just interesting! Great to see you here!